malpearl31
Starter
- Joined
- Oct 3, 2017
- Messages
- 1,111
- Like
- 3,263
(Originally posted on the pay-side of this site, but reproduced here for everybody's reading pleasure.)
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
A well-lit office inside the Carmelo K. Anthony Basketball Center on the campus of Syracuse University. Head Coach BOEHEIM sits at a desk, reviewing game film, with a furrowed brow. Assistant Coach MCNAMARA approaches the doorway and knocks, holding a laptop computer and several loose sheets of paper.
ASSISTANT COACH MCNAMARA: Hey coach, do you have a couple of minutes?
COACH BOEHEIM: Sure, Gerry, come on in. What’s up?
MCNAMARA: Well, coach, remember after the game yesterday – when you challenged the staff to dig deep and think outside the box – to really focus on how we can improve the team?
BOEHEIM: I do. What do you have for me?
MCNAMARA: Well, I decided to peruse some of the fan message boards. I know there’s a lot of craziness on there, but every once in a while there’s a thought or an idea that’s just pure gold. And I think I’ve found one of those ideas – and I think I’ve solved our problems.
BOEHEIM: I’m all ears, kid – keep going.
MCNAMARA: Great. So there’s this guy – I don’t want to use his real name, so let’s just say it rhymes with “Shmee shmone zone”.
BOEHEIM: Shmee shmone zone?
MCNAMARA: Yes, Shmee shmone zone. He posted this real interesting analysis on a thread called "Buddy's game" that was initially started to question Buddy’s contribution to the game yesterday.
BOEHEIM: (Scowling)
I’m listening.
MCNAMARA: Yes – Shmee shmone posted the overall FG% of our players that see the most time on the court, and then he also did the math to come up with a statistic called “actual points per shot attempt”. The two players on our team that rate highest in that metric are Marek (2.0) and Bourama (1.6). Hughes is third-best at 1.5. Buddy comes in a disappointing last among the big-minute players at only 1.1 – lower than even Quincy Guerrier, who’s at 1.2 points per shot attempt.
BOEHEIM: And?
MCNAMARA: So Shmee shmone said that “we’re not spending our limited ammunition all that wisely” and that rather than focusing on giving offensive opportunities to the players that score more points per game, we should instead consider utilizing the players who shine in points per shot attempt more often.
BOEHEIM: Well, I’m a little skeptical of any analysis that would rate Quincy higher than Buddy when it comes to the offensive side of the ball, or would suggest that we should be going to Bourama more and less to Elijah.
MCNAMARA: Yeah, some other posters on the site had the same reaction. But this Shmee shmone guy had a brilliant response. He pointed out that “if sid takes 18 shots at 1.6 points per he nets us 29 points. great game!”.
BOEHEIM: (Shifting uncomfortably in his seat)
Ummm…
MCNAMARA: I know what you’re thinking, coach. Is Sidibe capable of having the offense run through him such that he could even attempt 18 shots per game? And wouldn’t his efficiency fall off if his usage rate increased so dramatically? Well, luckily, Shmee shmone thought that through, too. He pointed out that “18 dunk attempts times 66% odds say he makes 11.8 dunks.”
BOEHEIM: So this Shmee shmone guy is saying Bourama would miss 6 to 7 dunks every game?
MCNAMARA: Yes, but he then points out that Bourama will “likely pad his scoring average with trips to the line”.
BOEHEIM: He’s a career 44.6% free throw shooter.
MCNAMARA: I know! That Shmee shmone guy is really something, isn’t he?
BOEHEIM: He’s something, alright.
MCNAMARA: We’re not done yet, coach. Shmee shmone went on to point out that Buddy would need to average somewhere around 18 shots a game if he were to average 20 points per game – and Shmee shmone chided another poster for saying that “Quincy > Buddy and Bourama > Elijah”.
BOEHEIM: Did anybody actually say that?!?
MCNAMARA: (Laughing)
No! Of course not! That would be silly. But if you misrepresent someone’s argument back to them, you really get a chance to see how well they’ve thought through their position. In this case, Shmee shmone’s rhetorical sleight-of-hand was a genius move to advance the conversation and the understanding to a deeper place. It’s what all the top debaters do these days. You should try it.
BOEHEIM: (Looking around uncomfortably)
Are you almost done?
MCNAMARA: Yes, almost. When it was pointed out to Shmee shmone that nobody ever said Quincy was better than Buddy and that both were better than Elijah – Shmee shmone doubled-down and said that was exactly what had been said.
BOEHEIM: Couldn’t this Shmee shmone guy have just scrolled up and re-read the posts to determine he was wrong?
MCNAMARA: He certainly could have. But the thing is, contrary to what you may have been told, stuff that you post on the internet doesn’t last forever. Certainly not when it comes to fan message boards. You can post something and then 10 minutes later pretend that you said no such thing.
BOEHEIM: And that works?
MCNAMARA: For truly skilled debaters and thinkers like Shmee shmone – absolutely.
BOEHEIM: So where does that leave us, Gerry. You’re advising me that we need to look at running our offense more through Bourama and Quincy and less through Elijah and Buddy? You think Bourama and Quincy are better options for us on offense than Elijah and Buddy?
MCNAMARA: To quote Shmee shmone, "I never said better 'option'. I said more 'efficient' per shot. And those facts, my friend, are indisputable."
BOEHEIM: (A long pause. He starts to speak, but then stops. Removes his glasses and cleans the lenses. Puts the glasses back on and speaks softly.)
Gerry, I’m glad you came to me with this.
MCNAMARA: (A smile beginning to grow across his face)
Thanks, coach, I reall-
BOEHEIM: Now get the hell out of my office. You’re fired.
FIN
ACT ONE
SCENE 1
A well-lit office inside the Carmelo K. Anthony Basketball Center on the campus of Syracuse University. Head Coach BOEHEIM sits at a desk, reviewing game film, with a furrowed brow. Assistant Coach MCNAMARA approaches the doorway and knocks, holding a laptop computer and several loose sheets of paper.
ASSISTANT COACH MCNAMARA: Hey coach, do you have a couple of minutes?
COACH BOEHEIM: Sure, Gerry, come on in. What’s up?
MCNAMARA: Well, coach, remember after the game yesterday – when you challenged the staff to dig deep and think outside the box – to really focus on how we can improve the team?
BOEHEIM: I do. What do you have for me?
MCNAMARA: Well, I decided to peruse some of the fan message boards. I know there’s a lot of craziness on there, but every once in a while there’s a thought or an idea that’s just pure gold. And I think I’ve found one of those ideas – and I think I’ve solved our problems.
BOEHEIM: I’m all ears, kid – keep going.
MCNAMARA: Great. So there’s this guy – I don’t want to use his real name, so let’s just say it rhymes with “Shmee shmone zone”.
BOEHEIM: Shmee shmone zone?
MCNAMARA: Yes, Shmee shmone zone. He posted this real interesting analysis on a thread called "Buddy's game" that was initially started to question Buddy’s contribution to the game yesterday.
BOEHEIM: (Scowling)
I’m listening.
MCNAMARA: Yes – Shmee shmone posted the overall FG% of our players that see the most time on the court, and then he also did the math to come up with a statistic called “actual points per shot attempt”. The two players on our team that rate highest in that metric are Marek (2.0) and Bourama (1.6). Hughes is third-best at 1.5. Buddy comes in a disappointing last among the big-minute players at only 1.1 – lower than even Quincy Guerrier, who’s at 1.2 points per shot attempt.
BOEHEIM: And?
MCNAMARA: So Shmee shmone said that “we’re not spending our limited ammunition all that wisely” and that rather than focusing on giving offensive opportunities to the players that score more points per game, we should instead consider utilizing the players who shine in points per shot attempt more often.
BOEHEIM: Well, I’m a little skeptical of any analysis that would rate Quincy higher than Buddy when it comes to the offensive side of the ball, or would suggest that we should be going to Bourama more and less to Elijah.
MCNAMARA: Yeah, some other posters on the site had the same reaction. But this Shmee shmone guy had a brilliant response. He pointed out that “if sid takes 18 shots at 1.6 points per he nets us 29 points. great game!”.
BOEHEIM: (Shifting uncomfortably in his seat)
Ummm…
MCNAMARA: I know what you’re thinking, coach. Is Sidibe capable of having the offense run through him such that he could even attempt 18 shots per game? And wouldn’t his efficiency fall off if his usage rate increased so dramatically? Well, luckily, Shmee shmone thought that through, too. He pointed out that “18 dunk attempts times 66% odds say he makes 11.8 dunks.”
BOEHEIM: So this Shmee shmone guy is saying Bourama would miss 6 to 7 dunks every game?
MCNAMARA: Yes, but he then points out that Bourama will “likely pad his scoring average with trips to the line”.
BOEHEIM: He’s a career 44.6% free throw shooter.
MCNAMARA: I know! That Shmee shmone guy is really something, isn’t he?
BOEHEIM: He’s something, alright.
MCNAMARA: We’re not done yet, coach. Shmee shmone went on to point out that Buddy would need to average somewhere around 18 shots a game if he were to average 20 points per game – and Shmee shmone chided another poster for saying that “Quincy > Buddy and Bourama > Elijah”.
BOEHEIM: Did anybody actually say that?!?
MCNAMARA: (Laughing)
No! Of course not! That would be silly. But if you misrepresent someone’s argument back to them, you really get a chance to see how well they’ve thought through their position. In this case, Shmee shmone’s rhetorical sleight-of-hand was a genius move to advance the conversation and the understanding to a deeper place. It’s what all the top debaters do these days. You should try it.
BOEHEIM: (Looking around uncomfortably)
Are you almost done?
MCNAMARA: Yes, almost. When it was pointed out to Shmee shmone that nobody ever said Quincy was better than Buddy and that both were better than Elijah – Shmee shmone doubled-down and said that was exactly what had been said.
BOEHEIM: Couldn’t this Shmee shmone guy have just scrolled up and re-read the posts to determine he was wrong?
MCNAMARA: He certainly could have. But the thing is, contrary to what you may have been told, stuff that you post on the internet doesn’t last forever. Certainly not when it comes to fan message boards. You can post something and then 10 minutes later pretend that you said no such thing.
BOEHEIM: And that works?
MCNAMARA: For truly skilled debaters and thinkers like Shmee shmone – absolutely.
BOEHEIM: So where does that leave us, Gerry. You’re advising me that we need to look at running our offense more through Bourama and Quincy and less through Elijah and Buddy? You think Bourama and Quincy are better options for us on offense than Elijah and Buddy?
MCNAMARA: To quote Shmee shmone, "I never said better 'option'. I said more 'efficient' per shot. And those facts, my friend, are indisputable."
BOEHEIM: (A long pause. He starts to speak, but then stops. Removes his glasses and cleans the lenses. Puts the glasses back on and speaks softly.)
Gerry, I’m glad you came to me with this.
MCNAMARA: (A smile beginning to grow across his face)
Thanks, coach, I reall-
BOEHEIM: Now get the hell out of my office. You’re fired.
FIN
Last edited:
