djdan
Walk On
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- Sep 6, 2011
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To Whom It May Concern,
As the presiding physician at the James Naismith Convalescent Home for the Criminally Insane for a patient known on this board as "djdan", I’ve been asked by his family to update you with news on his condition following the crowning of last night's national champion.
According to Dan’s wife, the trouble began on February 19th when the heretofore undefeated and top-ranked Syracuse Orangemen were defeated in a basketball game by Boston College. In the week following the loss, Dan's wife noticed some unusual behavior on his part but it was mostly limited to mumbling to himself and some mild profanity. But from this seemingly innocuous beginning began a slow but steady descent into madness.
When Dan first became inconsolable and uncommunicative with his wife and children, they assumed it was simply because he had always been kind of a d**k. But as the Syracuse losses began to mount and he began interrupting work meetings by randomly shouting things like “Well, I guess we can kiss a number one seed goodbye now” and “Cooney!!!” his family became increasingly troubled.
However, it was not until Syracuse was defeated by Dayton University in the second round of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, that things reached a crisis point. He began torturing small animals in the neighborhood and terrorizing school-age children after becoming convinced that they were secret agents sent to control his mind by Dayton University. He began to rail “Get behind me, Dayton” at passersby and at all hours of the day and night. Soon afterward, when Tyler Ennis announced his intention to enter the NBA draft, what had been a bad situation became an altogether dangerous one.
Apparently, as the Syracuse basketball program descended into an abyss, it coincided with the ascent of the University of Connecticut basketball program. (Author’s note: Even I can see how this would be cause for concern for any rational adult, never mind someone as beleaguered as Dan. After all, it was just last season that UConn saw a number of its players transfer and its legendary coach retire after being banned from the post-season and being relegated to what could only be described as a mid-major. But I digress.)
As UConn began stringing together victories, Dan became obsessed by someone named “Shabazz.” He would awaken terror stricken, shrieking the words, “Shabazz! Shabazz! Shabazz” over and over. Out of concern for her children, his wife soon signed commitment papers for Dan and turned his care over to my staff.
Upon meeting Dan, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong. When I calmly tried to explain to him that it was only a basketball tournament, he began screaming, “You don’t understand! Shabazz is out there! And Boatright! My God, Boatright! And now, they’ll have 4 championships! Four! We only have fricking one! One!” After ending his diatribe with “They’re supposed to be a mid-major,” he then tried to stab me in the throat with my own pen and had to be heavily sedated.
We felt it best to cut Dan off news of the basketball tournament but apparently he overhead some orderlies discussing the results of last night’s game, and almost immediately became catatonic. He currently is sitting, panic-stricken, in the corner of padded room, eyes glazed over, rocking back and forth, repeating the words “Shabazz Napier is a first-team All-American and two-time national champion” over and over. As I'm sure you can see, a situation that once seemed treatable may now be irreversible.
We’ve begun a somewhat unorthodox treatment of piping a recording of Hakim Warrick’s game saving block against the Kansas Jayhawks into his cell and will eventually begin intense therapy sessions where the primary goal will be to remind Dan that as bad as things may seem, at least he's not Georgetown.
Please keep Dan in your thoughts during this very difficult time.
Sincerely,
Dr. James Calhoun
Chief Of Staff
James Naismith Convalescent Home for the Criminally Insane
As the presiding physician at the James Naismith Convalescent Home for the Criminally Insane for a patient known on this board as "djdan", I’ve been asked by his family to update you with news on his condition following the crowning of last night's national champion.
According to Dan’s wife, the trouble began on February 19th when the heretofore undefeated and top-ranked Syracuse Orangemen were defeated in a basketball game by Boston College. In the week following the loss, Dan's wife noticed some unusual behavior on his part but it was mostly limited to mumbling to himself and some mild profanity. But from this seemingly innocuous beginning began a slow but steady descent into madness.
When Dan first became inconsolable and uncommunicative with his wife and children, they assumed it was simply because he had always been kind of a d**k. But as the Syracuse losses began to mount and he began interrupting work meetings by randomly shouting things like “Well, I guess we can kiss a number one seed goodbye now” and “Cooney!!!” his family became increasingly troubled.
However, it was not until Syracuse was defeated by Dayton University in the second round of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, that things reached a crisis point. He began torturing small animals in the neighborhood and terrorizing school-age children after becoming convinced that they were secret agents sent to control his mind by Dayton University. He began to rail “Get behind me, Dayton” at passersby and at all hours of the day and night. Soon afterward, when Tyler Ennis announced his intention to enter the NBA draft, what had been a bad situation became an altogether dangerous one.
Apparently, as the Syracuse basketball program descended into an abyss, it coincided with the ascent of the University of Connecticut basketball program. (Author’s note: Even I can see how this would be cause for concern for any rational adult, never mind someone as beleaguered as Dan. After all, it was just last season that UConn saw a number of its players transfer and its legendary coach retire after being banned from the post-season and being relegated to what could only be described as a mid-major. But I digress.)
As UConn began stringing together victories, Dan became obsessed by someone named “Shabazz.” He would awaken terror stricken, shrieking the words, “Shabazz! Shabazz! Shabazz” over and over. Out of concern for her children, his wife soon signed commitment papers for Dan and turned his care over to my staff.
Upon meeting Dan, it was clear that something had gone horribly wrong. When I calmly tried to explain to him that it was only a basketball tournament, he began screaming, “You don’t understand! Shabazz is out there! And Boatright! My God, Boatright! And now, they’ll have 4 championships! Four! We only have fricking one! One!” After ending his diatribe with “They’re supposed to be a mid-major,” he then tried to stab me in the throat with my own pen and had to be heavily sedated.
We felt it best to cut Dan off news of the basketball tournament but apparently he overhead some orderlies discussing the results of last night’s game, and almost immediately became catatonic. He currently is sitting, panic-stricken, in the corner of padded room, eyes glazed over, rocking back and forth, repeating the words “Shabazz Napier is a first-team All-American and two-time national champion” over and over. As I'm sure you can see, a situation that once seemed treatable may now be irreversible.
We’ve begun a somewhat unorthodox treatment of piping a recording of Hakim Warrick’s game saving block against the Kansas Jayhawks into his cell and will eventually begin intense therapy sessions where the primary goal will be to remind Dan that as bad as things may seem, at least he's not Georgetown.
Please keep Dan in your thoughts during this very difficult time.
Sincerely,
Dr. James Calhoun
Chief Of Staff
James Naismith Convalescent Home for the Criminally Insane
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