I know this thread turned into a jokey thread, but honestly...I could not be a coach. I don't nearly know enough about scheme, and I probably couldn't recruit my own kid, but when it comes to the basics...when to punt, when to go for it, when to take a TO. These are all easy decisions that anybody with common sense can make. You don't need to be a coach to use common sense and some statistics.
Also, I could never be a AD. I can't fund raise and pay attention to all these different sports, but it is pretty easy to get the pulse of your fanbase, check out different coaches, see what they have done and make a fairly reasonable decision on who would be a good coach FOR YOUR program.
Carry on!