Henny & Coke
2nd String
- Joined
- Aug 26, 2011
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We may have to start our own SyracuseFan Academic Eligibility Group. Each day a different SyracuseFan member is assigned to one athlete to "shadow" for that day, with the below listed responsibilities:
- Arrive at athlete's dorm/apartment in morning, one hour before first class for wake-up call. Clean up any illegal items that may be laying around from night before. Dispose of any dead bodies. Re-attach any stray car mirrors. Gently wake up athlete, give girl(s) sleeping next to athlete money for cab ride home in exchange for her signature on confidentiality agreement (to ensure details of last night's activities do not leak).
- Double check any assignments athlete will be handing in that day (completed the night before, with help from day before's SUFan member) to ensure accuracy and a good product. If taking a test that day, review expected test material with athlete.
- Transport athlete to class, even if against his will. (Use assigned taser if needed.)
- Attend class with athlete, making sure athlete is awake throughout. (Use assigned taser if needed.) If called upon to provide an answer to a question in class, athlete is to confer his thoughts on the matter (ie, get correct answer from you) before responding. If taking a test, you will have to wait outside. Once class if over, approach professor to make sure athlete handed test in, and that athlete did not respond to each question with "Do you KNOW how many points I scored against Pitt?" or a drawing of a hand with just the middle finger up. Also, if scantron is used, make sure "C" is not the answer to each and every question.
- After all classes, workouts and practices are completed, transport the athlete home, even if against his will. (Use assigned taser if needed.)
- Review list of assignments that need to be handed in the next day with athlete. Monitor athlete as he completes assignments...making sure athlete is focused on work and not re-tweeting his entourage's tweets about how athlete should be playing professionally at earliest possible opportunity. (NOTE: Three SUFan members will be assigned to Mr. Waiters for this task alone.)
- At end of evening, review completed work, providing full "feedback" and "suggested changes" to athlete for revision. If preparing for test, you are encouraged to make flashcards to quiz athlete, create mnemonic devices, or otherwise make material relatable for athlete to assure understanding. (For example, compare test subject to groupies, video games, food, rap music (especially Meek Mill or Drake) or the MTV show "Cribs".)
- At least once a week, SUFan member is to get "expected final grade" from professor to guarantee any problems are identified early and addressed.
- If all else fails, including attempt to motivate athlete to attend classes/do work by showing them a picture of (insert famous athlete's hot girlfriend/wife here) and telling them "you could be with this if you work hard and make that dough", threaten phone call to athlete's mother. (NOTE: This is a last resort option, as if you have to actually call mother, there is the possibility that mom will drive up to Syracuse and physically assault athlete for his bad behavior, which gets us nowhere if athlete is unable to play in games afterwards. Use assigned taser on mom if necessary.)
With these simple failsafes in place, we should never have a problem like this again!
- Arrive at athlete's dorm/apartment in morning, one hour before first class for wake-up call. Clean up any illegal items that may be laying around from night before. Dispose of any dead bodies. Re-attach any stray car mirrors. Gently wake up athlete, give girl(s) sleeping next to athlete money for cab ride home in exchange for her signature on confidentiality agreement (to ensure details of last night's activities do not leak).
- Double check any assignments athlete will be handing in that day (completed the night before, with help from day before's SUFan member) to ensure accuracy and a good product. If taking a test that day, review expected test material with athlete.
- Transport athlete to class, even if against his will. (Use assigned taser if needed.)
- Attend class with athlete, making sure athlete is awake throughout. (Use assigned taser if needed.) If called upon to provide an answer to a question in class, athlete is to confer his thoughts on the matter (ie, get correct answer from you) before responding. If taking a test, you will have to wait outside. Once class if over, approach professor to make sure athlete handed test in, and that athlete did not respond to each question with "Do you KNOW how many points I scored against Pitt?" or a drawing of a hand with just the middle finger up. Also, if scantron is used, make sure "C" is not the answer to each and every question.
- After all classes, workouts and practices are completed, transport the athlete home, even if against his will. (Use assigned taser if needed.)
- Review list of assignments that need to be handed in the next day with athlete. Monitor athlete as he completes assignments...making sure athlete is focused on work and not re-tweeting his entourage's tweets about how athlete should be playing professionally at earliest possible opportunity. (NOTE: Three SUFan members will be assigned to Mr. Waiters for this task alone.)
- At end of evening, review completed work, providing full "feedback" and "suggested changes" to athlete for revision. If preparing for test, you are encouraged to make flashcards to quiz athlete, create mnemonic devices, or otherwise make material relatable for athlete to assure understanding. (For example, compare test subject to groupies, video games, food, rap music (especially Meek Mill or Drake) or the MTV show "Cribs".)
- At least once a week, SUFan member is to get "expected final grade" from professor to guarantee any problems are identified early and addressed.
- If all else fails, including attempt to motivate athlete to attend classes/do work by showing them a picture of (insert famous athlete's hot girlfriend/wife here) and telling them "you could be with this if you work hard and make that dough", threaten phone call to athlete's mother. (NOTE: This is a last resort option, as if you have to actually call mother, there is the possibility that mom will drive up to Syracuse and physically assault athlete for his bad behavior, which gets us nowhere if athlete is unable to play in games afterwards. Use assigned taser on mom if necessary.)
With these simple failsafes in place, we should never have a problem like this again!
