Back in aught 2 Douglas and I enjoyed some bologna sandwiches and gatorade together at a party on one of the decks at the PlayBoy mansion. As the California sun set we made the Syracuse connection and got off to what I believed would be a wonderful friendship. Everything was going swimmingly as we discussed just how great Coach Mac was, when a crew of the bunnies emerged from the grotto with ice cream carts in tow. Miss March asked me if I was enjoying my evening, and after I replied that I was, offered to make my evening just a little bit sweeter by inviting me to stick my hand in the ice cream cart and see what surprise I could find (that's not a euphemism, by the way).
I did, and was delighted to find when my hand emerged that I had grasped a Dove bar, only the most decadent treat in single packaged freezer ice cream. Friends, Douglas had an enormous smile on his face when he saw my Dove bar, and without awaiting invitation from the lovely Miss March, thrust both of his hands in to the ice cream cart (still not a euphemism, ya pervs).
First Douglas's left hand emerged with a Scooter crunch, and his brow furrowed ever so slightly. Then his right arm emerged with an ice cream delicacy fashioned in the shape of a ninja turtle. His lip betrayed the slightest twitch. His left arm thrust itself again into the cart, and this time returned with an ice cream Snickers bar. Sweat beaded itself upon his brow, and I began to feel the slightest tremor emanating from his person. His right arm lanced into the cart, and came back with a Bomb pop.
Friends, I am distressed to recount that at this very moment Douglas began keening, the likes of which I had only encountered during trips to the Burnett park zoo as a lad when encountering monkey defecation warfare. His eyes bloodshot, Douglas leapt head first into the cart, startling the pulchritudinous Miss March, who ran away in terror.
It was at this time that I had realized my reptilian brain had guided my hand to unwrap the Dove bar, lead it to my mouth, and commanded my mouth to begin nibbling upon the chocolate-toffee shell in order to reveal the ice cream beneath.
Enjoying the pleasant flavours of the confection before me, and reflecting upon the good fortune of my evening engaged in new friendship with Douglas, making plans for a weekend night on the town with Miss March (oh, did I forget to mention that? A story for another time, perhaps...), and the mastication of the culinary delight gifted to me, I became unsettled as I noticed Douglas's eyes moving from my hand, to the Dove bar, then to my mouth, and back to the Dove bar, and to my hand, and then the dove bar, and to my mouth, and back to the Dove bar, and then the spot of ice cream that had landed on my shirt, and then back to the Dove bar.
Our eyes then met, and friends, I swear it to you from the deepest depths of my soul, I knew in that moment that Douglas and I were not friends, nor would ever be, and as he cast a gaze upon me filled with the burning hatred of a thousand suns, a look I now recognize during Douglas's press conferences with select members of the media, he told me that it was my last day on earth.
Now, the astute reader will have realized that I stand here today, alive and typing on this very message board, for the benefit of this very Syracuse fan community, and I wish to make it clear - it was NOT my last day on earth. Douglas began snorting and pacing, and as he was about to charge I calmly instructed Douglas to wait. Confused, he asked me why. I told him he had a decision to make, because he was down a touchdown with no timeouts with 3 minutes to go in the 4th quarter, and it was fourth and one on the opponent's 40 yard line.
Douglas entered a zombie like trance, picked up the ice cream cart, and punted it across the mansion grounds. It landed among several party goers that had engaged in an impromptu volleyball game, injuring Miss September of the previous year, and Kid Rock.
Luckily by this time I had finished the Dove bar, and discreetly exposed of the wrapper and stick. Douglas seemed to emerge from a haze, unaware of who he was, where he was, and best yet, who I was. As he blinked his eyes in an attempt to get his bearings, I said "Hey man, there's a half-eaten bologna sandwich over there. Is it yours? The bunnies are trying to clean up but I wanted to make sure they didn't toss your sandwich."
Douglas then patted me on the shoulder, thanked me for having his back, and began walking towards the volleyball courts to see what all the commotion was about over there.
So, given my personal experience - I don't trust the man, and I question his decisions on 4th down.