I watch Summerslam so that you don't have to.
Kicks off with an excellent match between Bianca Belair and Becky Lynch. A couple of mistimed spots, but otherwise a (Meltzer scale) 4-star match. After the match, Bayley makes her return. She is joined by Dakota Kai and Io Shirai. Becks stands with Bianca. Yep, we've got a ready-made tag-team match likely leading eventually to Bianca vs. Bayley. And, Beck's Babyface Rehab has finally started. About time.
OK, here comes Miz vs. 'social media megastar' Logan Paul. Paul has been trying and failing to get over as a babyface. He's such a natural heel. Should be an interesting dynamic. One thing we've already seen: the endless video packages and entrances are not a thing of the past. Disappointing.
The Miz heads to the ring accompanied by (wife) Maryse and (last name only) Ciampa. Logan comes out unaccompanied. We get a 'tiny ba--s' chant. WWE humor. It's clear that this match has been painstakingly choreographed. We get the quick cuts to hide the pathetic chops of Paul. I can't stand either of these guys. Match is already longer than it should be, even with Maryse's boobs in a supporting role. Crowd seems pretty dead. Paul lands figure four. Ciampa banished from ringside. Instead, he takes a seat. AJ Styles takes out Ciampa. Appears from the, wait for it, 'WWE Universe'. Paul hits the Miz with the 'Phenomenal Forearm'. I hate this bleep. Paul lays out The Miz on the announce table and lands the Frog Splash. That was impressive. Paul has Miz pinned but Maryse 'distracts the referee'. Miz inadvertently hits Maryse. Paul lands the 'Skull-Crushing Finale', and pins Miz. Good ending to an overly-long match. Don't think Logan Paul's over, though.
Just what we need: a Maximum Male Models commercial for some 'natural water'. Oh, and two commercials for Sly Stallone's new TV show. More commercials. Hey, I get Peacock for free, so who am I to complain? Although, 'I'm a woman and I'm pooping on TV' is a bit much...what's next? 'I'm having my period--on TV'?
(Not) Austin Theory vs. The Almighty Bobby Lashley. Should be short, with Lashley retaining. Theory attacks with briefcase before the bell. Lashley is either on the juice or he's a freak of nature. Theory grabs briefcase and tries to leave. Lashley stops him. Weak dropkick from Theory that couldn't be hidden. Quick full nelson from Lashley and Theory again taps. Why waste a new finish? I'm curious to see whether the Theory push continues with Triple H. To me, he has go-away heat.
Judgment Day (Damien Priest and Finn Balor) vs. Los Mysterios in a No DQ match. Is this where we get the oft-rumored Dominick heel turn? And why don't I care? Dominick sucks. Rhea Ripley at ringside. No doubt, she'll make her presence felt. Balor and Priest have some synergy with each other. If WWE valued tag teams more, they'd be a good one. This match has some crowd heat. Heel team mocks an Eddy Guerrero move. Dom is the babyface in peril. Everyone's calling for the hot tag to Rey. Annd...he's in! Senton to Priest, dropkick to Priest. Rey pounds Priest with chair. Priest nails superkick, Rey kicks out at 2. Both Rey and Finn Balor on top rope. Rey nails Hurricanrana. As both Mysterios go for twin 619s, Rhea interferes. Lights go out, flames come on and--here comes EDGE!! He spears both Balor and Priest. Twin 619's to Balor. Mysterios win. Should've seen that coming.
Pat McAfee vs. Happy Corbin. We all know that Corbin is getting his butt whipped. But we need a video package to set the stage since the average WWE viewer has only seen it about 5 times before. The lemmings have been taught to chant 'Dumba-- Corbin', and they will tonight. And, yes, there's a choir chanting 'Dumba-- Corbin'. Because subtlety is the WWE's strong suit. JEE-zus. Time to quote HL Mencken: "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people."
They jaw. Corbin sells well, making McAfee look good. Well, not that good. McAfee's pretty slow. He's gonna make the comeback and win, but, as a match, this isn't much. If you take a close look at 'Li'l Naitch, the hair and the wrinkles in his face don't match. Corbin works McAfee over on the announcer's table to build the heat. There's some, but not what they'd likely hope for. Superplex from McAfee off top rope. Almost botched, but Corbin saved it. McAfee with a flip dive off top rope. Almost botched, but Corbin covered for it. And--we have ref bump. Sort-of. McAfee with the low blow. Sunset flip and McAfee wins. Pretty good. Corbin's a pro.
A promo from Drew McIntyre? He's carrying his sword. Reminds me of a Randy Newman lyric: "Why must everyone laugh at my mighty sword?" Gets cheap cheers by kissing Nashville's butt. Brandishes his mighty sword and the stadium ejaculates--fireworks.
Hall Of Famer Jeff Jarrett comes out sporting an ill-fitting referee's shirt (points for it being sleeveless) for yet another matchup between the Usos and the Street Profits. Profits gotta win, right? I mean, isn't the 50th title match the charm? We know they'll have a good match. Profits wearing Titans' gear. I'm calling it: Title change. Usos come out, announcers tout their 376-day reign. Just gonna watch and enjoy this one. JJ interjecting himself early. Don't like the ref being part of the storyline, at least not here. Usos isolate Dawkins. When do we get the first hot tag? Starting slow, but these teams know how to build a match. Montez Ford could easily be a singles star. Another 'WWE Universe' reference. Was hoping that would disappear along with Vince. Dawson (sorta) hits a flip dive on the Usos. Pace is really picking up. Jarrett's presence suggests to me that he'll play a part in the finish. All sorts of legit almost-three counts. Montez Ford loses his cool at Jarrett, gets punked. Dawson pinned, Usos retained. Real good match. Think the Street Profits should have won.
Matt Riddle shows up. 'Not medically cleared to wrestle' (actually the 'injury' is a work). Calls out Rollins. And, we have a schmozz. 'WWE officials trying to separate the two'. Rollins lays him out. Yep, 'Riddle only has himself to blame.' Building heat.
Ronda Rousey vs. Liv Morgan. Y'know, nobody forced Ronda to take Vince's money. She was underwhelming before she left to have a baby. Been underwhelming since she returned. Those bleeping raccoon eyes don't help. Lose the eyeliner. And learn how to cut a promo. And stop being so miserable. I hope you lose tonight and leave to have another baby. Liv is--OK. Don't think she's a needle mover. But I'd like to see her hold the belt a little longer. Looks like a screw-up a few minutes in. Story of the match is Rousey putting the arm bar on and Morgan finding ways to get out of it. Rousey puts it on again. Morgan pins her, but she had already tapped. Uh, maybe Jeff Jarrett will ref the rematch...Rousey armbars the ref. Eh, wasn't much of a match, and Morgan was made to look weak. Don't think it did anybody any favors.
Kane announces the fake attendance. Hey, he's a politician. Didn't expect him to tell the truth, didja?
The 'energy in the stadium is palpable'for the 'Last Man Standing' match between Roman Reigns and Brock Lesnar. The entrance/processional of the Tribal Chief goes on and on. His music is Wagner-like. Fireworks. Lesnar wears MMA chic. The gloves, the shorts, and that pigtail. Oh, there just happens to be a tractor there. Phony WWE announcer laughs. Lesnar puts on flannel and is 'bringing the farm to Summer Slam'. Drives the tractor 'with a front end loader on it' to the ring. Didn't Stone Cold do something like this? Hops into the front end loader. Introduces himself using a southern accent. Cool.
Loser will be the one who fails to get up from a 10-count. Lesnar jumps off the front-end loader to ambush Reigns. Lesnar almost falls off barricade while trying to do a move. Tables are out. Lesnar has gone through one. Um, make that two.
Brock is now in the tractor. Looks like he may set up an ending where Lesnar puts him in the front end loader. Yep, Reigns is in the front loader. Lesnar dumps him in the ring. Reigns is up. First 'This is awesome' chant of the night. Lesnar is doing a series of German suplexes. Man, Lesnar's face is beet-red. -5 from Lesnar. At least he gets to rest during the 10-counts. Reigns with a guillotine. Lesnar reverses it. This match rocks. Lesnar is back in the tractor. He's moving the ring! He's lifted the ring. Reigns falls out. Unreal. Usos attack. Heyman gets -5'd into table. Both Reigns and Lesnar are down. Make it up at 9. Theory comes down to cash in. -5'd by Lesnar. Jimmy & Jey superkick Lesnar. Brock up at 9. Roman pounding Lesnar with briefcase. Reigns hits Lesnar with the belt. 'For the love of God, count faster'. Now they're burying Lesnar beneath the rubble. And standing on it. And Reigns retains.
Absolutely un-bleeping-believable. That's one unforgettable main event.